Jorts: Appropriate Sideyard Apparel

Jort (pl. Jorts)- a portmanteau of “jean-shorts”, is a garment worn by women or men that covers the pelvic area, the buttocks, and the upper part of the legs (typically the part above the knee). Jorts are made only from denim.

The distance of the hem on a pair of shorts from the wearer’s knee, is usually an index of how seriously you can take said individual. The closer to the knee cap, the more legitimate the person. As you start to drift up toward the quads or down near the ankles, legitimacy dwindles with every inch. Of course, the previous discretionary statements only apply to khaki shorts.

As the mullet of the pants world, jorts can only signal illegitimacy (see also: sloppy dance floor make-outs, watching for family members on "Cops" or actually having a mullet). Are jorts classier that Daisy Dukes? Hardly, considering they’re just two sides of the same trashy, denim coin. Nevertheless, “jorts” is less clichéd and that’s something. So grab a fizzy drink and show'em your reverse tornado.


Jort with us.
Chike,
The Jester.

Dancing in the Sideyard

Sideyard Significance

We've been prophesizing from various sideyards for some time now, and with the internet recklessly promoting the creativity of our clearly less evolved peers, it's come time to join the blogosphere fight and assert our superiority over a wider audience. But at what cost? Too many current affairs and pop culture antics have gone un-policed while we've been loitering in our afforementioned margins of victory. These threats to our collective well being will no longer be tolerated. We are a beacon of hope for fellow sideyard junkies to call "Bullshit" and "Shotgun."

By this time many of you may be wondering just what the hell a sideyard or sideyard junkie might be, so let's take this time to clarify. The physical definition of a sideyard is largely self-explanatory. It's the sliver of land you proudly claim as your own between your castle and wherever your neighbor stops cutting your grass. Seemingly harmless during the day, these numerous locations, like vampires, come alive at night with an array of underground festivities. These nightly transformations give every sideyard magical potential. Often catalyzed by intoxicants, sideyard extracurriculars include escaping from one's abode to engage in all the activities described in Steve Miller's "The Joker" and all the worst parts of the Bible. Of course the most common occurence is drunk friends making topical opinions and points. These conversations are inspring, entertaining, and momentous; forgettable and life-changing at the same time; a welcome paradox of immaturity and intelligence.

Anyone can enter the sideyard, but so can a dog. Hell if a squirrel can waterski and a monkey can fly a spaceship then I'd bet some asshat has taught his Chihuahua to surf the Internet. Ok, so we will be commenting unconstructively on politics, economics, art, religion, sports, weather, and lots of other cool shit that other "writers" just won't talk about right.